My North Star

Understanding the Rational

Nellie Amirah — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 09:19:41 +0000

The mot damaging sentence in any language is:

‘It’s always been done that way.’” – Grace Hopper -

Sometimes we do the things the way it has always been done – because it was well thought out and the reasons were true at that point of moment. However, sometimes the situation and reasons no longer apply. The world is constantly changing… and we need to change to adapt and be relevant. Understanding and appreciating the reasons and situation behind a certain way we do things is vital. When you do something – understand why you do what you do – don’t just assume that is the only way.

Change for the sake of change is not what I am advocating. Change too comes with responsibility – to make it even better and to make it even easier. When you are in the initial process of change, first appreciate why things were the way they are. By learning to appreciate what were – your change will be even more impactful and meaningful. You will be able to address the people who ‘wants things as they always are’ with respect and earning their trusts and get their buy-in effortlessly.

Take a moment each day to reflect – on what you do each day – and ask yourself these questions:

why do I need to do this?
how can I make it even better? or easier?

After thinking through and identifying the areas you want to change, ask yourselves these questions:

how am I contributing with the change?
what positive difference am I making?

Life is not just about adapting to change. We all can advocate change – we all can be the advocator of change. We all can choose to lead.

Be Positively MAD

Nellie Amirah — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:20:32 +0000

Be positively MAD – Making a Difference.

Who we are makes a difference in the lives of people around us. We impact each other as our lives crossed. Take time to reflect how others have impact your lives, and how every thing that we do, say and behave impacts the world around us.

This is truly an inspiring video on how lives are being transformed:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtvUn2PR8cs&feature=colike

It’s vital for us to know how we want to live our lives – what it says about who we are, the legacy we want to leave behind – our integrity and values. When everything quiets down – it is not the material success you achieve, it is more than the car you drive, it is more than the house you live in, – rather it is the love you share, the contribution you make, the memories you leave behind, it is the positive difference you make being who you are.

We can simply enjoy life and savor a rich experience of what life has to offer, and what we can offer. Life is a wonderful journey of sweet adventure and predictable phases. Let’s all be positively MAD. Let’s go out there and be positively making a difference.

Tribute to my Aunt – Koon On Swee

Nellie Amirah — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 02:46:09 +0000

My aunt, Baby Ee as she is fondly known to us, passed away on Friday at 1240am 2Dec 2011 at the age of 65. She leaves behind a loving husband, 2 children and 3 grandchildren.

My aunt is full of grace even with little education in her upbringing, she and her husband has crafted a great life for themselves from scrap. My uncle was reminiscing old time stories for all of us, and one which touched my heart, was how at a tender age of 22 he had saved a total of RM200 – and how through courting my aunt – had spent it all in a month. He will take her for the movies sitting right in front [to save money], and then to supper to have took-thok mee. They have both fallen in love with each other – and have since built a beautiful life together. The couples were loving and caring to each other. They are married for 42 years.

My uncle was a very conservative man, and they saved up all they can. When I was young, he does sometimes seems like ‘Scrooge’. Life was difficult when they were young, but they were hard working, honest and dedicated their lives to build what they have today together. My aunt on the other hand, was very charitable and always helped with little ‘handouts’ to her younger siblings whenever she can. Soon, she transformed my uncle – making him a much happier and open person.

My auntie suffered from colon cancer, and relentless steps were taken to support and treat her. Her family has been her ROCK and their unconditional love has sustain her for over 5 years.

I made it back to Penang on Thursday and we manage to see her. She was still very lucid, jovial and happy to see so many people visit her. Although she was tired, she would not close her eyes… so I requested my youngest Aunt Sally to sing to her… while we held her hands… after a while, Aunt Sally stopped, and Baby ee said, ‘eh what happened record jam ker?’(in hokkien), it was hilarious. She was still sharp and her little interjections were light and humorous. Even in her weak state, her core being still shines… to make the world a happier place. She still manages to make us all laugh and she was laughing along with us. She has made a positive difference in this world.

What I will remember most about her:
She is gracious, she cooks great laksa [which we are there to savor every CNY], she loves to play mahjong, she is modest and humble, she is a great seamstress, she is a clean freak [hahaha runs in the family], she loves white, she is a christian, she loves children, she gave me my favorite t-shirt of all time [with a pixie print, that i would wear almost everyday when I was about 7 (after laundry, mind you), of which i was nicknamed Pixie], she is charitable, she loves her siblings and families, she is generally soft and quiet [in comparison to the noisy lot we are], she loves to joke, she was very house proud, she is a great wife, mother, grandmother, sister, and auntie.

Baby Ee will be sadly missed and fondly remembered by all in the family. Rest in eternal peace.

Figuring Out People with Meta Programs

Nellie Amirah — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 17:52:40 +0000

We interact with people everyday. It is an invaluable skill to have if we can figure out people. Everyone processes information differently and creates a unique model of the world in which they operate. We all sort and filter information around us.

To fully understand, appreciate and figure people out, we first need to understand how they filter – and in NLP, these filters are called Meta Programs. We use questioning patterns that gives us clues to their preference. We approach this with a deep sense of curiosity, appreciation and respect.

To facilitate your learning on meta program elicitation, I have prepared a series of questions to be posted daily for you to vote, reflect and ask others.

So click on the link now: http://www.facebook.com/NLP.Cert?sk=questions

Share these questions with your friends, peers and families. And do join and like us at http://www.facebook.com/NLP.Cert for more updates and information.

The Praying Hand

Nellie Amirah — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 03:12:24 +0000

The Story Behind The Picture Of The Praying Hands

Back in the fifteenth century, in a tiny village near Nuremberg, lived a family with eighteen children.

Eighteen! In order merely to keep food on the table for this mob, the father and head of the household, a goldsmith by profession, worked almost eighteen hours a day at his trade and any other paying chore he could find in the neighborhood.

Despite their seemingly hopeless condition, two of the elder children, Albrecht and Albert, had a dream.

They both wanted to pursue their talent for art, but they knew full well that their father would never be financially able to send either of them to Nuremberg to study at the academy.

After many long discussions at night in their crowded bed, the two boys finally worked out a pact.

They would toss a coin. The loser would go down into the nearby mines and, with his earnings, support his brother while he attended the academy.

Then, when that brother who won the toss completed his studies, in four years, he would support the other brother at the academy, either with sales of his artwork or, if necessary, also by laboring in the mines.

They tossed a coin on a Sunday morning after church. Albrecht Durer won the toss and went off to Nuremberg.

Albert went down into the dangerous mines and, for the next four years, financed his brother, whose work at the academy was almost an immediate sensation.

Albrecht’s etchings, his woodcuts, and his oils were far better than those of most of his professors, and by the time he graduated, he was beginning to earn considerable fees for his commissioned works.

When the young artist returned to his village, the Durer family held a festive dinner on their lawn to celebrate Albrecht’s triumphant homecoming. After a long and memorable meal, punctuated with music and laughter, Albrecht rose from his honored position at the head of the table to drink a toast to his beloved brother for the years of sacrifice that had enabled Albrecht to fulfill his ambition.

His closing words were, “And now, Albert, blessed brother of mine, now it is your turn. Now you can go to Nuremberg to pursue your dream, and I will take care of you.”

All heads turned in eager expectation to the far end of the table where Albert sat, tears streaming down his pale face, shaking his lowered head from side to side while he sobbed and repeated, over and over, “No ..no …no ..no.”

Finally, Albert rose and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He glanced down the long table at the faces he loved, and then, holding his hands close to his right cheek, he said softly, “No, brother. I cannot go to Nuremberg.

It is too late for me. Look … look what four years in the mines have done to my hands!

The bones in every finger have been smashed at least once, and lately I have been suffering from arthritis so badly in my right hand that I cannot even hold a glass to return your toast, much less make delicate lines on parchment or canvas with a pen or a brush.

No, brother …for me it is too late.”

More than 450 years have passed. By now, Albrecht Durer’s hundreds of masterful portraits, pen and silver-point sketches, watercolors, charcoals, woodcuts, and copper engravings hang in every great museum in the world, but the odds are great that you, like most people, are familiar with only one of Albrecht Durer’s works. More than merely being familiar with it, you very well may have a reproduction hanging in your home or office.

One day, to pay homage to Albert for all that he had sacrificed, Albrecht Durer painstakingly drew his brother’s abused hands with palms together and thin fingers stretched skyward.

He called his powerful drawing simply “Hands,“ but the entire world almost immediately opened their hearts to his great masterpiece and renamed his tribute of love “The Praying Hands.”

The next time you see a copy of that touching creation, take a second look.

Let it be your reminder, if you still need one, that no one – no one – - ever makes it alone! And I trust you will remember to stick together no matter what. That you will support each other through the good and challenging times.

A father’s message from beyond the grave

Nellie Amirah — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 05:56:33 +0000

I read this article among the throngs of emails I receive, and found the message here inspiring. A letter from a father who has cancer, and wants to leave his legacy for his children. We all have a finite amount of time in this world, some less than others. And it is not the amount of time, rather how we use it which truly matters. Ever so often we get absorbed by our daily rat race and tend to take our loved ones for granted. Perhaps it is time we slow down and re-examine ourselves before it is too late.

A father’s message beyond the grave: Here’s a sad but true story to be shared, about a loving dad and husband, who did what he could in the little time he was left for his family. From their country cottage filled with memories of Mandy Flanagan’s late husband Paul, she shared with us their story.

“The three most important virtues are: Loyalty, integrity and moral courage. If you aspire, friends will respect you, employers will retain you, and your father will be immensely proud of you. I am therefore giving you several pieces of advice. These are the principles on which I have tried to build my life and they are exactly those that I would have encouraged you to embrace, had I been able to.” “I love you very much. Never forget that.”

A FATHER’S RULES FOR FINDING FULFILLMENT

Be courteous, be punctual, always say please and thank you, and be sure to hold your knife and fork properly.
Others take their cue on how to treat you from your manners.

Be kind, considerate and compassionate when others are in trouble, even if you have problems of your own. Others will admire your selflessness and will help you in due course.

Show moral courage. Do what is right, even if that makes you unpopular. I always thought it important to be able to look at myself in the shaving mirror every morning and not feel guilt or remorse. I depart this world with a pretty clear conscience.

Show humility. Stand your ground but pause to reflect on what the other side are saying, and back off when you know you are wrong. Never worry about losing face. That only happens when you are pig-headed.

Learn from your mistakes. You will make plenty so use them as a learning tool. If you keep making the same mistake or run into a problem, you’re doing something wrong.

Avoid disparaging someone to a third party; it is only you who will look bad.
If you have a problem with someone, tell them face to face.

Hold fire! If someone crosses you, don’t react immediately.
Once you say something it can never be taken back, and most people deserve a second chance.

Have fun. If this involves taking risks, so be it. If you get caught, hold your hands up.

Give to charity and help those who are less fortunate than yourselves: it’s easy and so rewarding.

Always look on the upside!
The glass is half full, never half empty. Every adversity has a silver lining if you seek it out.

Make it your instinct always to say ‘yes’.
Look for reasons to do something, not reasons to say no. Your friends will cherish you for that.

Be canny: you will get more of what you want if you can give someone more of what they desire. Compromise can be king.

Always accept a party invitation.
You may not want to go, but they want you there. Show them courtesy and respect.

Never ever let a friend down.
I would bury bodies for my friends, if they asked me to . . . which is why I have chosen them carefully.

Always tip for good service.
It shows respect. But never reward poor service. Poor service is insulting.

Always treat those you meet as your social equal, whether they are above or below your station in life.
For those above you, show due deference, but don’t be a sycophant.

Always respect age, as age equals wisdom.

Be prepared to put the interests of your sibling first.

Be proud of who you are and where you come from, but open your mind to other cultures and languages.
When you begin to travel (as I hope you will), you’ll learn that your place in the world is both vital and insignificant. Don’t get too big for your breeches.

Be ambitious, but not nakedly so.
Be prepared to back your assertions with craftsmanship and hard work.

Live every day to its full:
do something that makes you smile or laugh, and avoid procrastination.

Give of your best at school.
Some teachers forget that pupils need incentives. So if your teacher doesn’t give you one, devise your own.

Always pay the most you can afford. Never skimp on hotels, clothing, shoes, make-up or jewellery. But always look for a deal. You get what you pay for.

Never give up!
My two little soldiers have no dad, but you are brave, big-hearted, fit and strong. You are also loved by an immensely kind and supportive team of family and friends. You make your own good fortune, my children, so battle on.

Never feel sorry for yourself, or at least don’t do it for long. Crying doesn’t make things better.

Look after your body and it will look after you.

Learn a language, or at least try.
Never engage a person abroad in conversation without first greeting them in their own language; by all means ask if they speak English!

And finally, cherish your mother, and take very good care of her.

The ‘shoulds’ of the world

Nellie Amirah — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 16:00:24 +0000

I was having dinner with one of my nephews – and in his wisdom he offered advice on how his cousins should behave, and correct themselves. I noticed a pattern emerge. His main focus is in how others should and must do – how everyone else around them need change and transformation – while nothing was mentioned on the areas he needs to work on, how he can improve and an outcome that he maintain.

I sit back – and reflect – how many of us – are externally focused – on how everyone else should do/not do thus setting rules for the world – And on another hand, we don’t seem to have any standards for ourselves to be better and to excel.

I think of all the things that has been said about – the politics, the deprived, the unjust things that many just pour out… Many seem to know what’s wrong in the world but fail to do anything about it. The next time you notice people talking about the current affairs with all the cynical remarks and criticism – take a moment to reflect on what you are thinking.

I must agree that there are always areas in which we can improve, change and innovate. But having great ideas doesn’t move the world. Having knowledge is not power. Doing something about it – is the true power. If only we take actions on things we believe in – rather than constantly blab blab blab.

In the training industry sometimes – the trainers are comparing with each other, how much one is being remunerated for their work, etc. And that is why some of the trainers – feels that they are so much better but are not being paid as much.’ I must agree that many trainers are so much better and not able to demand as much but the question is – ‘what is the key differentiation in being able to demand the appropriate remuneration?’ – for me, is the ability to take action – to have the courage to step up and market and position yourself well in the open market. Since many are much better than most – the only difference is one is hiding behind the security blanket and complacency; while another is taking bold steps in taking risks. Perhaps its not just how well you perform as a trainer, but how well you position yourself.

The same goes with many who has share their discontentment on why others are getting the promotions – while they are performing better. The focus is on performance of the present work; but for promotions it is not only on your current performance but the ability to position yourself for the next job. We look externally on how we want to see the world, how we think the world should operate, perhaps its time for us to think about what we can do. Learning from an open and nonjudgmental frame – learn to appreciate and understand how the world seems to work – and then reflecting on how we can change ourselves.

The question that keeps popping in my mind is “what are we doing and not doing to contribute to this?” Whenever, we are faced with injustice or we feel passionate about a cause – the power lies in the actions we take. And it always starts with us – ourselves. What can we do to change? What can we do to set an example? What can we do?

Do we live our lives as ‘spectators’ – watching the world – commenting on what should or should not be? Or do we choose our lives as ‘players’ – engaging ourselves – taking actions to make a difference?

If what we see, hear and feel affects us – perhaps we should look within ourselves first.

What filters am I using to process the information around us?
What experiences, history or information am I using to come up with my conclusions and judgments?
In what context am I seeing, hearing and feeling? By what definitions, rules or standards, am I measuring others?

How would I fare – if I was viewed with the same filters?
In what way can I initiate change and empower myself, without putting others down?

We set standards and rules on how others should and must adhere to. I think it’s time we set these standards for ourselves. Those who stand up and speak of integrity must take a deep look within themselves – when they are next stopped for speeding on the highway. We must impose the same rules for ourselves – the same conduct – the same behavior – the same integrity. That is our path towards congruency.

We are measured not by what we say, or how we say it – we are measured by the actions we take and the outcome we achieve.

Profound Learning

Nellie Amirah — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 05:43:01 +0000

Everything that irritates us about others
can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.
- Carl Jung

I had a profound learning recently during an NLP Certification Program. It further reinforces what I appreciate most about people- that different things impacts different people.

That what we focus on – what irritates us — or what we find challenging – leads us to a better understanding of ourselves. I begin to appreciate that the very thing – that we are challenged with – areas where we feel and is engaged emotionally about – is our own reflections of ourselves and our beliefs, values and our struggles.

The healthy man does not torture others
- generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.
- Carl Jung

I have always enjoyed finding the finer distinctions in meta programs – of how people operate their model of the world -on how they process information – on how they see, hear and feel about the world around them. Figuring people out is about figuring out what makes them tick.

To love
some people gives you unconditionally
while some people only when you listen to them

To learn
some people focus on what they can learn
while some people on how you should teach

To improve
some people works on themselves
while some people on what you should do

To compete
some people focus on the standards they set for themselves
while some people on constant comparison with you

To energize
some people tear you down thus destroying your dreams
while some people build you up towards your outcome.

To lead
some people needs you to think that they are ‘BOSS’
while some people wants you to think of them as an ‘ENABLER’.

To excel
some people focus on being ‘in conflict’, ‘challenged’, ‘competitive’ and ‘zero sum game’
while some people focuses on ‘teamwork’, ‘contribution’, ‘creativity’ and ‘innovation’.

- Nellie Amirah

Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life,
is without trouble.
- Carl Jung

I was told recently that I started off in Personal Development from way below – way way below because of my experiences in life – because of what happened to me. And I couldn’t agree more. As many of my readers and friends who know me through the years – I did not arrive where I am now – without adversity and challenges. Nevertheless, my journey was full of variety with a spectrum of joy, abundance and gratitude for my life, my family, friends and my faith.

I am again humbly reminded of my journey – my discovery of NLP that truly transforms my life – allowing me to step up and create even more choices – and the freedom to make those choices – thus empowering myself – and not let the PAST defines me – and the life I have and the life I deserve.

And that is why I believe more than ever that NLP is an invaluable tool to help you help yourself and others – to move forward in the future – with even more empowering convictions and beliefs to achieve your dreams.

And for those fortunate ones – who sailed through life effortlessly without any obstacles – congratulations – for now with the technology in hand – perhaps you can step up even more to make a positive difference in the world.

Speak Up! Make a positive difference!

Nellie Amirah — Mon, 30 May 2011 07:57:23 +0000

Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know of everybody.
- Benjamin Franklin

One of the key attributes of being a leader is your ability to speak up about
who you are
what you stand up for
what you are passionate about
what great ideas you can bring to make this a better world

Find that inner voice within you.
Learn to speak up, lest the world will pass you by.
Do not live a life that is designed by others for you.

Why is it so important to speak up and speak out?
because you will be the voice!
because you will be able to articulate yourself even better
because you will be the ‘mountain-mover’ in everything that you do
because you will be able to inspire and motivate yourself and others

because you will have unlimited resources to do what you want to
because you will impact lives of people with your message
because you will achieve a sense of pride of performance
because you will create new opportunities for yourself and others
because you will lead extraordinary teams towards the common goals
because you will gain respect and admiration from everyone
because you will astound your friends, peers and even bosses
because you will transform your career and life

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise,
walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. – Audrey Hepburn

When you speak up …
Can you see yourself inspiring and impacting people positively…
Can you hear the thundering claps…
Can you feel the sense of achievement…
Can you taste the sweetness of success…
Can you experience the power of your dreams…

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill

So, to all the trainers and leaders out there – take PRIDE – ‘Personal Responsibility in Delivering Excellence’ in our sacred profession. Take pride and joy in making a positive difference, because it is indeed an honor and a privilege to be a leader and trainer. We are blessed indeed with the gift – the gift to influence, so use it wisely – and let’s make it worthwhile for ourselves and all those who cross our path of life.

Constructive Feedback

Nellie Amirah — Sun, 01 May 2011 11:23:32 +0000

Many times when we give feedbacks – our underlying intention is to be constructive and to encourage improvement. I realize that giving feedbacks requires specific skills – otherwise, it does nothing more than create a sense of awkwardness and helplessness that is destructive for the receiver.

Why feedback?

Firstly, we need to establish and be clear about our intentions and outcome – of what it is that we want to achieve. Many people masks their resentment and/or discontentment about certain situation – and label it as feedback. The purpose for us to feedback is to help facilitate the receiver’s improvement.

How do we give constructive feedback?

When we give feedback, the receiver must be able to have sensorial feedback in order to make the desired change. Sensorial based feedback – does not only state how you feel, rather it states the behaviour of the receiver – what he says or does which requires changes or improvements.

Saying – “I feel your presentation can be better.” is as good as saying naught. This is not constructive in anyway – as the receiver has nothing to work on – and demoralizes the person [destructive].

Instead if you describe the specific behaviour for example, “You can use more variety in your intonation.” or, “I notice that you have your hands in your pocket about 80% of the time you were presenting. You could make more impact when you use your hands to emphasize the points you were making.”

If for any reasons you cannot pin point the improvement areas, it is best to keep your opinion to yourself – until you can identify the specific areas to improve. Sometimes, how we feel about something – it’s just a reflection of what we are going through in our own lives.

The ability to give constructive feedback is one of the essential skills as a trainer and leader in any organizations. Your ability to have clear distinctions about what works and what doesn’t takes you into another level of expertise. It is interesting to note, that many people are good at what they do, but lacks the ability to chunk and distinguish what it takes to be good.

So what happens when someone gives you feedback?

Most people are not aware of how to give feedback, and when they give you ambiguous and vague feedback – you would want to ask quality questions to get clarity. For example:

“I feel that you are very aggressive in your approach” –

Ask questions – “in what way is my conduct or what I say reflects that I am aggressive?”

If you cannot get any information – in terms of your conduct or what you say – then you may want to ask for feedback from others too. “How do you generally feel about my approach?” Again, if no one else feels the same – then move on. Do not dwell too much into something that neither improves you nor help build you.

However, when someone offers you constructive feedback – on your actions or what you say – you have the opportunity – the door of change is now open to you – to make those changes – Again, feedback unless given by someone you respect and an authority of the subject matter, you may still require verification from other sources. Feedbacks helps us be better – the ignition for change. However, remember – one man’s poison is another man’s meat. So, it’s vital to check with yourself and others – to process the feedback information – before you become dictated by only what others say about you.

Feedback is the breakfast for champions.

What about unsolicited feedback?

Sometimes, we feel compelled to feedback to others about their performance, behaviour or conduct. However, it is vital to understand your context of feedback – your frame. Do you have permission to give the feedback? Have you earned yourself the right to give your critics and judgment? Do you feel that you are the subject matter expertise? Do you have sensorial based evidence to your feedback? Does it make you feel superior when you have judgment and/or critics to give others? What do you want to achieve from the feedback? Do the other person want to hear what you have to say? Does your opinion or judgment carry any weight? What is your relationship with the person? What are your vested interests? In what way, are you learning from your observations of the other? What is the effect you are seeking? Is it ecological? Do you have a hidden agenda?

When we feel compelled to give feedback to others – perhaps its time for us to look within ourselves and discover what it really means to us. What is the game our mind is playing on us?

Listen to our heart, before we feedback

Take time to sit back and listen to your heart – to truly understand the ‘positive intention’ behind our feedback. When we are critical – when we are able to apply our sensory acuity to uncover the distinctions between what works and what doesn’t – then we can make a positive difference in the world. So begin today – to sharpen your skills by being aware and indentifying the little distinctions that makes the great difference – Make your feedback count – make it constructive so it can help build others and yourself.

One of the guiding principles within NLP, that I love – “There is no failure – only feedback.” That no matter what we do – we will always get feedback – and feedback is just information – So, as we continue in our journey in life, I trust that you have gained some insights here – and is aware of your frames of mind, when you are about to give feedback – and how you can make it even more constructive for the receiver; but mostly how the feedback you are about to give affects yourself.